Trying to catch up - Just Because.

There are days when I am extremely thankful for what I have; God, spouse, parents, kids...even our dog.  There are days, as of late, that I should be more thankful.  Maybe this is a time of "refining fire", maybe things happen "just because", maybe I just need to enjoy the learning and the journey.

Very few times in my life have I experienced a person choosing to isolate themselves.  They may do this for personal reasons, spiritual reasons, physical reasons - such as severe illness.  But to allow yourself to be isolated, or isolating yourself, "just because" doesn't make much sense to me.  Especially since the "just because", is founded on misconceptions and gossip.

This is where I was almost a decade ago; scared, isolated, silent, abused, controlled.  My whole countenance was different.  My closest friends and family would affirm it.  Now, I watch as others, the dearest to me, are walking in that same shadow.  Nothing is known about what goes on behind closed doors, but I have a really good idea.  I can recall what I endured, in silence and alone.  I can still hear the begging and pleading of my family.  But it wasn't until I was a completely broken spirit that I called out for help.

My life, at that time, seemed so normal to me, this fact I was led to believe.  But it isn't until I stepped out from behind that shadow that the glare of light showed how wrong it all really was. I had allowed...tolerated my life to spiral.  I gained this knowledge on my own, as part of a process.  It is because of this gained freedom - how it was achieved - that I now face refining fire...just because.

It's crushing how a lie or exaggeration is easier to swallow than the truth.  For years, in college, I fought against gossips, now it's the same story but different scenery.  Itching ears are so fickle.  Compound that with immaturity and it can spread like a wild fire.  Hey, I guess that is the fire I am being refined by now?  Ironic.  But for it to be fueled by those dearest to me....the hurt is so deep.  I still love them, yes, but it doesn't mean that I am impervious to the pain. As I promised to them - "No matter what" my love won't waiver. 

"Be patient, be kind...this too will pass."  I cling to everything I can think of to get by and find strength.  Funny thing is, those really old hymns that I use to sing years ago, are the one thing that really keep me grounded.  It isn't surprising, on my drive in to start humming one of those hymns - that I heard last at my Grandmother's funeral.  [Side note; what would she do in all of this anyway?]  The moment that doubts, fear, questioning creep in, I hum the first few chords of the chorus.  It isn't like a band aid that just covers up....it's like my spirit gets a great big dose of Miracle Grow and it devours it!  Hymns that have scripture inter-woven within act as a salve on my heart ache. 

I know this is going to be a very long road but I am willing to take this journey, with the intent it is to make me more like Christ.  I will be thankful for it - just because.


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"Love has patience, is kind; love is not envious; love is not vain, is not puffed up; does not behave indecently, does not pursue its own things, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth. Love quietly covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But if there are prophecies, they will be caused to cease; if tongues, they shall cease; if knowledge, it will be caused to cease."  
I Corinthians 13:4-8