Trying to catch up - Just Because.

There are days when I am extremely thankful for what I have; God, spouse, parents, kids...even our dog.  There are days, as of late, that I should be more thankful.  Maybe this is a time of "refining fire", maybe things happen "just because", maybe I just need to enjoy the learning and the journey.

Very few times in my life have I experienced a person choosing to isolate themselves.  They may do this for personal reasons, spiritual reasons, physical reasons - such as severe illness.  But to allow yourself to be isolated, or isolating yourself, "just because" doesn't make much sense to me.  Especially since the "just because", is founded on misconceptions and gossip.

This is where I was almost a decade ago; scared, isolated, silent, abused, controlled.  My whole countenance was different.  My closest friends and family would affirm it.  Now, I watch as others, the dearest to me, are walking in that same shadow.  Nothing is known about what goes on behind closed doors, but I have a really good idea.  I can recall what I endured, in silence and alone.  I can still hear the begging and pleading of my family.  But it wasn't until I was a completely broken spirit that I called out for help.

My life, at that time, seemed so normal to me, this fact I was led to believe.  But it isn't until I stepped out from behind that shadow that the glare of light showed how wrong it all really was. I had allowed...tolerated my life to spiral.  I gained this knowledge on my own, as part of a process.  It is because of this gained freedom - how it was achieved - that I now face refining fire...just because.

It's crushing how a lie or exaggeration is easier to swallow than the truth.  For years, in college, I fought against gossips, now it's the same story but different scenery.  Itching ears are so fickle.  Compound that with immaturity and it can spread like a wild fire.  Hey, I guess that is the fire I am being refined by now?  Ironic.  But for it to be fueled by those dearest to me....the hurt is so deep.  I still love them, yes, but it doesn't mean that I am impervious to the pain. As I promised to them - "No matter what" my love won't waiver. 

"Be patient, be kind...this too will pass."  I cling to everything I can think of to get by and find strength.  Funny thing is, those really old hymns that I use to sing years ago, are the one thing that really keep me grounded.  It isn't surprising, on my drive in to start humming one of those hymns - that I heard last at my Grandmother's funeral.  [Side note; what would she do in all of this anyway?]  The moment that doubts, fear, questioning creep in, I hum the first few chords of the chorus.  It isn't like a band aid that just covers up....it's like my spirit gets a great big dose of Miracle Grow and it devours it!  Hymns that have scripture inter-woven within act as a salve on my heart ache. 

I know this is going to be a very long road but I am willing to take this journey, with the intent it is to make me more like Christ.  I will be thankful for it - just because.


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"Love has patience, is kind; love is not envious; love is not vain, is not puffed up; does not behave indecently, does not pursue its own things, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth. Love quietly covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But if there are prophecies, they will be caused to cease; if tongues, they shall cease; if knowledge, it will be caused to cease."  
I Corinthians 13:4-8

The dash that matters.

Over the past two years I have done in-depth soul searching, growth and have allowed God to do some much needed pruning. We recently had a Sunday School lesson on pruning as it refers to our spiritual growth. It's never easy, but it has to be done in order for us not to just be productive but more fruitful in our walk.

I have had some issues that I have had to remove from my life. The major issue would be allowing myself to be manipulated or controlled by others. My DH has really encouraged me-my cheerleader, to seek out wise counsel and mentors to walk with me as I regain my back bone. Past relationship(s) had chipped away at a spirit that was once outwardly creative and passionate. I was far from timid. But as years past, I had allowed that chipping away to break my spirit. The worst part is that I had begun to pass that timid, meek spirit on to my children. Most of all to my daughter.

I had also battled with thinking for myself. I had begun, instead, to simply coast along just going as the crowd did. It did not good for me to pick places to eat, movies to see...for my opinion use not to matter. Now, DH gets pretty ticked if I don't stand on my own two feet and put up my "buck fifty instead of two cents worth". My opinion matters. My thoughts, dreams, wishes are important and are valid! My daughter has a long road ahead of her if she desires others to tell her how to think. It's not just someone else opinion but she holds others thoughts as her own. "Yep, those pants look great, but it's YOU who have to wear them. You don't like them then SAY SO!"

It's about realizing who I am in Christ. It doesn't stop there. I also am coming to realize WHOSE I am. It was easy for me to know, feel, and understand that I was loved by God. The fact that His Son died such an agonizing death in the most humiliating way - the cross shows that! My hang up is that I am valued by God. That I mean something and that I have a specific purpose that no one else is created for. THAT'S what we all have - value & purpose. This is the slowest lesson I have ever had to learn because it means un-learning what has been forced into my mind for 10+ years previously. I'm not looking back because this new journey is exciting! I am finding who the REAL Kris is! I am seeing what I am made of. Yes, it's scary but what part of growth, true growth isn't.

Leap of faith

DH had been out of work since September the 9th. He was laid off due to the lack of work though his construction company. We kept praying "God in your time....We know you will provide". My human nature gave me a nudge of discomfort...what are we going to do? I could relate deeply to the rest of the country and how "on edge" everyone is financially.

Now, I am on edge for the floor to drop out from beneath us again. The construction market is so volatile right now. Houses aren't selling so, new houses aren't being build. People are saving every penny possible in order to pay for gas or groceries. Gas lines here are still three cars deep at the pumps that are functioning. Hurricane Ike, threw its own wrench in the mess. I know exactly how anxious they are.

I am still battling with the question of WHY God allows us all to go through this. DH feels like he has been battling the waves bashing on him for years only to get further and further away from safety. We can't make any head way-progress at all. At least very little.

God show us your face! Hold us in Your great hand of protection! The prayer of Jabez is pasted on my bathroom wall and my wall at work.
"Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, 'Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my boarders [territory], and that Your hand might be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me!' And God granted him that which he requested." 1 Chron 4:10

God hear us! Please do not forsake us. So much has happened over the past few weeks that we are beaten down. Every little bill, every gallon of gas, every bit of groceries....I cringe at every dime spent. There are days I plead "Jesus come quickly". I am so very tired. I know that better will come. This will not last forever, but it sure feels rough when you are in the middle of it.

We heard a sermon on Sunday "tough times don't last, tough people do". Gee, do they know our story? I am not naive enough to think that we are the WORST off. There are worse. DH's disease is not terminal if he takes care of himself. I am healthy and whole. The kids are happy, healthy and SUCH a blessing - yes, all four of them. We have a roof over our head. We have vehicles that run. We do have food on our table. I looked at the devastation from Galveston TX and it hit me hard on how far down we really could go. I looked at the photos of what was left of houses. The "mud, mold" and destruction that is still there.

God has protected us in His own way. And HE will provide in HIS own time. I must have faith and believe.

Big 8 Years Old!!

I haven't talked much about everyday life. DH and I have a hard time seeing ourselves as "normal" just due to his diabetes. Unfortunately, he doesn't see himself as a man with diabetes but as a diabetic man. [diabetes seems to own him]

We celebrated youngest DS's eighth birthday. We have four children all together. Two that are DH's; DS(t) who's 18, DS(l) who's 15. We also have two which are mine; DS(c) who just turned 8 and DD(k) who's 11.

Since DH is unemployed, the gifts for DS(c) were modest but heart felt. I got DS four books from DK Eyewitness books; Insects, Dinosaurs, Sharks and Reptiles. I was just as excited about them as he was. We did a little cookout and had sundaes. It was a lot of fun even though it was short and sweet. DS and I went out late Sunday to pick up some treats to take to school. He had gotten $10 for his birthday and got a football that said Tennessee Titans on it. He was really excited about it.

The kids are spending tonight with their Dad (my ex). His birthday is tonight. DS has football practice from 6-8pm so there won't that much time for "party". He said they probably would do a big shin-dig this weekend-probably out to eat. Which they do anyway.

I was asked if I would be going to football practice tonight, after only missing one since this whole thing started, I thought I deserved a night off. SO, here I am, journaling my thoughts while the laundry and the dishes go on their merry way. My ex isn't what you would call the avid football fan, so it is more of a 'big deal' when I miss then when he does.

I'm sure that the world won't stop rotating if I take a two nights for myself. Besides I will NOT miss a football game. A practice is one thing, but a game is an entirely different thing. I love watching my son play.

Stess - the main trigger.

On Monday morning after devotions @ work, I called DH. It was about 9:45am and I just wanted to check and see how his morning was going. He hasn't found work yet, but we are prayerful that he will find it and it will be exactly what he needs.

When I reached him, he sounded tired already. He had just changed his site that morning for his pump. His sugar was elevated and it made him fatigued. We made small talk and before I hung up I told him to have a good lunch and check his sugar often. I knew when he changes his site it never fails for him to spike and then dose it with insulin only to have it plummet later. He gave me a reassuring "I'll stay on top of it". He told me his phone battery was on the fritz. He had it charging in the truck.

It was the perfect mixture for disaster.

I tried to call later that afternoon around 4:45pm to check and see if he was 'wrapping up'. There was no answer. About five minutes later I get a call from his phone. But, a woman was on the other end. "Is this Kristie?" "Yes" I reply. "Ron has had another spell, the EMS are under the house trying to get him to come to so they can get him out."

I knew it!

I end up leaving work early, so that they do not transport him. We had been down this road before and I didn't want to make our finances worse.

* Long story short - at lunch the contractor stopped by to tell him that it was noon. DH attempts to get from underneath the house but his sugar is already so low, his motor skills are already affected. He doesn't get lunch. Contractor stops by again, at 4:30pm and by this time, he has no alternative but call for medical assistance.

Today - Tuesday, 09/16/08
We have a dr. appointment today with DH endocrinologist. SHe is AWESOME! We all sat down, DH gave his pump to her to check the bolis and basil numbers. Come to find out that he was giving himself more insulin when he already "active insulin" being given to him. He was feeling his sugar highs, so naturally didn't think it was working. He would give himself more and then end up over doing it.

She said leave it be. We are now logging EVERYTHING. What he eats, his bolis numbers, when he give insulin, why he gives insulin, how much. We are getting intense about getting this under control.

Same tune new verse....

I called DH today around 3pm thinking that he probably needed to check his glucose levels. Rang and rang, no answer. I called again about thirty minutes later, still no answer. Hum...I called a third time and let it ring through to voice mail....left a message still no answer.

After yesterday's incident of his sugar low, I kept calling every thirty minutes. If he is under a house, maybe he doesn't have reception. If he is at a supply house, then he wouldn't have reception either. I left to get the kids around 4:30pm. I called on the way, still no answer. I told myself I won't be concerned until I get home. If his truck is there I will be relieved, if not...then I will get concerned.

I didn't know where he was. I didn't know for certain where the house was that he was working on. I didn't have his contractors name or number. I was completely in the dark. If I find him alive we will remedy me being in the dark IMMEDIATELY.

I attempted to stay as calm as possible when I got the kids. We got home, no truck. Ok, now I was concerned. I remember there were some blue prints on the kitchen table. Maybe, just maybe they would have the address of the house on it. I found it and they did.

I called Metro non-emergency line and told them the situation. I figured they would make it to him before I ever would. I was right. I told the kids to pack up their home work, we were making the thirty minute drive into town to find him. I mapped out the address and got us on our way.

There he was, Metro police man by him. He had come to. His sugar had dropped to 43. I had called him around 12:30 that afternoon. DH said his sugar was around 400+ at 10:45am. He had taken insulin in the hopes of bringing it down. At lunch, he had headed to the truck. He sat down in the seat, and there his sugar proceeded to drop slowly. He never knew what hit him. He slumped over groggy and disoriented. He never touched his lunch. His mind was just a fog.

Others on the construction site stopped to check on him and all he told him was "I'm tired"....None of them knew about his disease.

Lower his sugar dropped. All the while I am calling. He said he heard it but his mind couldn't command his fingers to mash the buttons to answer his phone.

I got him home finally. He's sleeping now on the couch as I am capturing my thoughts and feelings in print.

He hates how he feels. He says it isn't him. This isn't what he wants to be or how God purposed him to be. This is his body. His thorn to deal with through life. He truly hates it and what it is doing to us.

I tell him how alone I feel. I tell him that what and how I feel is a symptom of actions the diabetes forces him to be. I don't to him because of his sugar highs because they make him grumpy and I don't what to aggravate him. I don't act intimate around him because I don't want to frustrate him because he doesn't feel "feisty".

I am an island just like I use to be with EX-hubby. But the reason was different. EX-hub was gay and chose that lifestyle. He was uninterested because he would be uninterested in any woman. DH is uninterested because either his meds or the diabetes or work or stress, or the moon alignment make him feel that way.

There is always something. I just want a man who will want me for me. Will romance me and be intimate with me. The way DH did before "the crap" hit the fan.

Another turn in the diabetic ride....

DH was our on a side job yesterday evening. He's been laid off from his ft job at a local construction company. Which is the story all over. Absolutely nothing to do with his disease or job performance. Well, he completed what he needed to get done, then headed to a residential call that he rec'ved while there. I spoke to him briefly around 4:50pm to check on him. He was in supply store getting supplies, sugar had been 400+.

I called again later while I was at my son's football practice, around 7pm. He was slurring terribly. I began to slowly speak to him and tell him..."check your sugar"..."get your machine"..."where's your machine". He seven times he kept saying "my pump is broke"...."it's come apart". I told him we would take care of it later. I said "check your sugar"..."please get your machine". He said he would have to lay the phone down to check the sugar, an action that should only take two minutes at the most. Well I sat there waiting. So I started to yell into the phone "[DH] pick up the phone"....I hear stirring....""[DH] pick up the phone"....Over and over again I say his name. Finally I drunken sound of "Hello" comes back at me. For forty-five minutes this goes on. Finally I hear him open his box, get out one of the two sodas I put in there and he finally drinks it. His sugar was 43.

How on Earth can this happen so quickly. I don't' under the bolis things but how can it be so low and then less then three hours later be so terribly low. Oh, the pump did not break, he couldn't get it suspended so he simply disconnected but with his mind the way it was, to him it appeared broke.

The bad thing is-that bothers me, he was disappointed in me for not being more calm. "Why did you yell?" I told him because you sit the phone on the seat and you couldn't hear me. I needed you to pick it up so you wouldn't go unconscious. I feel if I keep him talking and moving he will stay coherent.

My kids don't understand this. We are a blended family and they don't know this side of diabetes. Their grandfather, my ex's father is a Type 1 diabetic. But he keeps his sugar on the high side and just "pumps up". Which isn't healthy either. I have never seen him low, as DH is low. But I do feel awkward, confiding in my ex's mother in order to get information...so I am here - searching for kindred spirits to help me grow in my knowledge of this disease. And, it isn't my JUST DH's disease it is our families disease. The proof of that was last night, when DD cried and cried thinking that her step dad was dying. There are residual effects on the rest of us.