DH had been out of work since September the 9th. He was laid off due to the lack of work though his construction company. We kept praying "God in your time....We know you will provide". My human nature gave me a nudge of discomfort...what are we going to do? I could relate deeply to the rest of the country and how "on edge" everyone is financially.
Now, I am on edge for the floor to drop out from beneath us again. The construction market is so volatile right now. Houses aren't selling so, new houses aren't being build. People are saving every penny possible in order to pay for gas or groceries. Gas lines here are still three cars deep at the pumps that are functioning. Hurricane Ike, threw its own wrench in the mess. I know exactly how anxious they are.
I am still battling with the question of WHY God allows us all to go through this. DH feels like he has been battling the waves bashing on him for years only to get further and further away from safety. We can't make any head way-progress at all. At least very little.
God show us your face! Hold us in Your great hand of protection! The prayer of Jabez is pasted on my bathroom wall and my wall at work.
"Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, 'Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my boarders [territory], and that Your hand might be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me!' And God granted him that which he requested." 1 Chron 4:10
God hear us! Please do not forsake us. So much has happened over the past few weeks that we are beaten down. Every little bill, every gallon of gas, every bit of groceries....I cringe at every dime spent. There are days I plead "Jesus come quickly". I am so very tired. I know that better will come. This will not last forever, but it sure feels rough when you are in the middle of it.
We heard a sermon on Sunday "tough times don't last, tough people do". Gee, do they know our story? I am not naive enough to think that we are the WORST off. There are worse. DH's disease is not terminal if he takes care of himself. I am healthy and whole. The kids are happy, healthy and SUCH a blessing - yes, all four of them. We have a roof over our head. We have vehicles that run. We do have food on our table. I looked at the devastation from Galveston TX and it hit me hard on how far down we really could go. I looked at the photos of what was left of houses. The "mud, mold" and destruction that is still there.
God has protected us in His own way. And HE will provide in HIS own time. I must have faith and believe.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Big 8 Years Old!!
I haven't talked much about everyday life. DH and I have a hard time seeing ourselves as "normal" just due to his diabetes. Unfortunately, he doesn't see himself as a man with diabetes but as a diabetic man. [diabetes seems to own him]
We celebrated youngest DS's eighth birthday. We have four children all together. Two that are DH's; DS(t) who's 18, DS(l) who's 15. We also have two which are mine; DS(c) who just turned 8 and DD(k) who's 11.
Since DH is unemployed, the gifts for DS(c) were modest but heart felt. I got DS four books from DK Eyewitness books; Insects, Dinosaurs, Sharks and Reptiles. I was just as excited about them as he was. We did a little cookout and had sundaes. It was a lot of fun even though it was short and sweet. DS and I went out late Sunday to pick up some treats to take to school. He had gotten $10 for his birthday and got a football that said Tennessee Titans on it. He was really excited about it.
The kids are spending tonight with their Dad (my ex). His birthday is tonight. DS has football practice from 6-8pm so there won't that much time for "party". He said they probably would do a big shin-dig this weekend-probably out to eat. Which they do anyway.
I was asked if I would be going to football practice tonight, after only missing one since this whole thing started, I thought I deserved a night off. SO, here I am, journaling my thoughts while the laundry and the dishes go on their merry way. My ex isn't what you would call the avid football fan, so it is more of a 'big deal' when I miss then when he does.
I'm sure that the world won't stop rotating if I take a two nights for myself. Besides I will NOT miss a football game. A practice is one thing, but a game is an entirely different thing. I love watching my son play.
We celebrated youngest DS's eighth birthday. We have four children all together. Two that are DH's; DS(t) who's 18, DS(l) who's 15. We also have two which are mine; DS(c) who just turned 8 and DD(k) who's 11.
Since DH is unemployed, the gifts for DS(c) were modest but heart felt. I got DS four books from DK Eyewitness books; Insects, Dinosaurs, Sharks and Reptiles. I was just as excited about them as he was. We did a little cookout and had sundaes. It was a lot of fun even though it was short and sweet. DS and I went out late Sunday to pick up some treats to take to school. He had gotten $10 for his birthday and got a football that said Tennessee Titans on it. He was really excited about it.
The kids are spending tonight with their Dad (my ex). His birthday is tonight. DS has football practice from 6-8pm so there won't that much time for "party". He said they probably would do a big shin-dig this weekend-probably out to eat. Which they do anyway.
I was asked if I would be going to football practice tonight, after only missing one since this whole thing started, I thought I deserved a night off. SO, here I am, journaling my thoughts while the laundry and the dishes go on their merry way. My ex isn't what you would call the avid football fan, so it is more of a 'big deal' when I miss then when he does.
I'm sure that the world won't stop rotating if I take a two nights for myself. Besides I will NOT miss a football game. A practice is one thing, but a game is an entirely different thing. I love watching my son play.
Stess - the main trigger.
On Monday morning after devotions @ work, I called DH. It was about 9:45am and I just wanted to check and see how his morning was going. He hasn't found work yet, but we are prayerful that he will find it and it will be exactly what he needs.
When I reached him, he sounded tired already. He had just changed his site that morning for his pump. His sugar was elevated and it made him fatigued. We made small talk and before I hung up I told him to have a good lunch and check his sugar often. I knew when he changes his site it never fails for him to spike and then dose it with insulin only to have it plummet later. He gave me a reassuring "I'll stay on top of it". He told me his phone battery was on the fritz. He had it charging in the truck.
It was the perfect mixture for disaster.
I tried to call later that afternoon around 4:45pm to check and see if he was 'wrapping up'. There was no answer. About five minutes later I get a call from his phone. But, a woman was on the other end. "Is this Kristie?" "Yes" I reply. "Ron has had another spell, the EMS are under the house trying to get him to come to so they can get him out."
I knew it!
I end up leaving work early, so that they do not transport him. We had been down this road before and I didn't want to make our finances worse.
* Long story short - at lunch the contractor stopped by to tell him that it was noon. DH attempts to get from underneath the house but his sugar is already so low, his motor skills are already affected. He doesn't get lunch. Contractor stops by again, at 4:30pm and by this time, he has no alternative but call for medical assistance.
Today - Tuesday, 09/16/08
We have a dr. appointment today with DH endocrinologist. SHe is AWESOME! We all sat down, DH gave his pump to her to check the bolis and basil numbers. Come to find out that he was giving himself more insulin when he already "active insulin" being given to him. He was feeling his sugar highs, so naturally didn't think it was working. He would give himself more and then end up over doing it.
She said leave it be. We are now logging EVERYTHING. What he eats, his bolis numbers, when he give insulin, why he gives insulin, how much. We are getting intense about getting this under control.
When I reached him, he sounded tired already. He had just changed his site that morning for his pump. His sugar was elevated and it made him fatigued. We made small talk and before I hung up I told him to have a good lunch and check his sugar often. I knew when he changes his site it never fails for him to spike and then dose it with insulin only to have it plummet later. He gave me a reassuring "I'll stay on top of it". He told me his phone battery was on the fritz. He had it charging in the truck.
It was the perfect mixture for disaster.
I tried to call later that afternoon around 4:45pm to check and see if he was 'wrapping up'. There was no answer. About five minutes later I get a call from his phone. But, a woman was on the other end. "Is this Kristie?" "Yes" I reply. "Ron has had another spell, the EMS are under the house trying to get him to come to so they can get him out."
I knew it!
I end up leaving work early, so that they do not transport him. We had been down this road before and I didn't want to make our finances worse.
* Long story short - at lunch the contractor stopped by to tell him that it was noon. DH attempts to get from underneath the house but his sugar is already so low, his motor skills are already affected. He doesn't get lunch. Contractor stops by again, at 4:30pm and by this time, he has no alternative but call for medical assistance.
Today - Tuesday, 09/16/08
We have a dr. appointment today with DH endocrinologist. SHe is AWESOME! We all sat down, DH gave his pump to her to check the bolis and basil numbers. Come to find out that he was giving himself more insulin when he already "active insulin" being given to him. He was feeling his sugar highs, so naturally didn't think it was working. He would give himself more and then end up over doing it.
She said leave it be. We are now logging EVERYTHING. What he eats, his bolis numbers, when he give insulin, why he gives insulin, how much. We are getting intense about getting this under control.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Same tune new verse....
I called DH today around 3pm thinking that he probably needed to check his glucose levels. Rang and rang, no answer. I called again about thirty minutes later, still no answer. Hum...I called a third time and let it ring through to voice mail....left a message still no answer.
After yesterday's incident of his sugar low, I kept calling every thirty minutes. If he is under a house, maybe he doesn't have reception. If he is at a supply house, then he wouldn't have reception either. I left to get the kids around 4:30pm. I called on the way, still no answer. I told myself I won't be concerned until I get home. If his truck is there I will be relieved, if not...then I will get concerned.
I didn't know where he was. I didn't know for certain where the house was that he was working on. I didn't have his contractors name or number. I was completely in the dark. If I find him alive we will remedy me being in the dark IMMEDIATELY.
I attempted to stay as calm as possible when I got the kids. We got home, no truck. Ok, now I was concerned. I remember there were some blue prints on the kitchen table. Maybe, just maybe they would have the address of the house on it. I found it and they did.
I called Metro non-emergency line and told them the situation. I figured they would make it to him before I ever would. I was right. I told the kids to pack up their home work, we were making the thirty minute drive into town to find him. I mapped out the address and got us on our way.
There he was, Metro police man by him. He had come to. His sugar had dropped to 43. I had called him around 12:30 that afternoon. DH said his sugar was around 400+ at 10:45am. He had taken insulin in the hopes of bringing it down. At lunch, he had headed to the truck. He sat down in the seat, and there his sugar proceeded to drop slowly. He never knew what hit him. He slumped over groggy and disoriented. He never touched his lunch. His mind was just a fog.
Others on the construction site stopped to check on him and all he told him was "I'm tired"....None of them knew about his disease.
Lower his sugar dropped. All the while I am calling. He said he heard it but his mind couldn't command his fingers to mash the buttons to answer his phone.
I got him home finally. He's sleeping now on the couch as I am capturing my thoughts and feelings in print.
He hates how he feels. He says it isn't him. This isn't what he wants to be or how God purposed him to be. This is his body. His thorn to deal with through life. He truly hates it and what it is doing to us.
I tell him how alone I feel. I tell him that what and how I feel is a symptom of actions the diabetes forces him to be. I don't to him because of his sugar highs because they make him grumpy and I don't what to aggravate him. I don't act intimate around him because I don't want to frustrate him because he doesn't feel "feisty".
I am an island just like I use to be with EX-hubby. But the reason was different. EX-hub was gay and chose that lifestyle. He was uninterested because he would be uninterested in any woman. DH is uninterested because either his meds or the diabetes or work or stress, or the moon alignment make him feel that way.
There is always something. I just want a man who will want me for me. Will romance me and be intimate with me. The way DH did before "the crap" hit the fan.
After yesterday's incident of his sugar low, I kept calling every thirty minutes. If he is under a house, maybe he doesn't have reception. If he is at a supply house, then he wouldn't have reception either. I left to get the kids around 4:30pm. I called on the way, still no answer. I told myself I won't be concerned until I get home. If his truck is there I will be relieved, if not...then I will get concerned.
I didn't know where he was. I didn't know for certain where the house was that he was working on. I didn't have his contractors name or number. I was completely in the dark. If I find him alive we will remedy me being in the dark IMMEDIATELY.
I attempted to stay as calm as possible when I got the kids. We got home, no truck. Ok, now I was concerned. I remember there were some blue prints on the kitchen table. Maybe, just maybe they would have the address of the house on it. I found it and they did.
I called Metro non-emergency line and told them the situation. I figured they would make it to him before I ever would. I was right. I told the kids to pack up their home work, we were making the thirty minute drive into town to find him. I mapped out the address and got us on our way.
There he was, Metro police man by him. He had come to. His sugar had dropped to 43. I had called him around 12:30 that afternoon. DH said his sugar was around 400+ at 10:45am. He had taken insulin in the hopes of bringing it down. At lunch, he had headed to the truck. He sat down in the seat, and there his sugar proceeded to drop slowly. He never knew what hit him. He slumped over groggy and disoriented. He never touched his lunch. His mind was just a fog.
Others on the construction site stopped to check on him and all he told him was "I'm tired"....None of them knew about his disease.
Lower his sugar dropped. All the while I am calling. He said he heard it but his mind couldn't command his fingers to mash the buttons to answer his phone.
I got him home finally. He's sleeping now on the couch as I am capturing my thoughts and feelings in print.
He hates how he feels. He says it isn't him. This isn't what he wants to be or how God purposed him to be. This is his body. His thorn to deal with through life. He truly hates it and what it is doing to us.
I tell him how alone I feel. I tell him that what and how I feel is a symptom of actions the diabetes forces him to be. I don't to him because of his sugar highs because they make him grumpy and I don't what to aggravate him. I don't act intimate around him because I don't want to frustrate him because he doesn't feel "feisty".
I am an island just like I use to be with EX-hubby. But the reason was different. EX-hub was gay and chose that lifestyle. He was uninterested because he would be uninterested in any woman. DH is uninterested because either his meds or the diabetes or work or stress, or the moon alignment make him feel that way.
There is always something. I just want a man who will want me for me. Will romance me and be intimate with me. The way DH did before "the crap" hit the fan.
Another turn in the diabetic ride....
DH was our on a side job yesterday evening. He's been laid off from his ft job at a local construction company. Which is the story all over. Absolutely nothing to do with his disease or job performance. Well, he completed what he needed to get done, then headed to a residential call that he rec'ved while there. I spoke to him briefly around 4:50pm to check on him. He was in supply store getting supplies, sugar had been 400+.
I called again later while I was at my son's football practice, around 7pm. He was slurring terribly. I began to slowly speak to him and tell him..."check your sugar"..."get your machine"..."where's your machine". He seven times he kept saying "my pump is broke"...."it's come apart". I told him we would take care of it later. I said "check your sugar"..."please get your machine". He said he would have to lay the phone down to check the sugar, an action that should only take two minutes at the most. Well I sat there waiting. So I started to yell into the phone "[DH] pick up the phone"....I hear stirring....""[DH] pick up the phone"....Over and over again I say his name. Finally I drunken sound of "Hello" comes back at me. For forty-five minutes this goes on. Finally I hear him open his box, get out one of the two sodas I put in there and he finally drinks it. His sugar was 43.
How on Earth can this happen so quickly. I don't' under the bolis things but how can it be so low and then less then three hours later be so terribly low. Oh, the pump did not break, he couldn't get it suspended so he simply disconnected but with his mind the way it was, to him it appeared broke.
The bad thing is-that bothers me, he was disappointed in me for not being more calm. "Why did you yell?" I told him because you sit the phone on the seat and you couldn't hear me. I needed you to pick it up so you wouldn't go unconscious. I feel if I keep him talking and moving he will stay coherent.
My kids don't understand this. We are a blended family and they don't know this side of diabetes. Their grandfather, my ex's father is a Type 1 diabetic. But he keeps his sugar on the high side and just "pumps up". Which isn't healthy either. I have never seen him low, as DH is low. But I do feel awkward, confiding in my ex's mother in order to get information...so I am here - searching for kindred spirits to help me grow in my knowledge of this disease. And, it isn't my JUST DH's disease it is our families disease. The proof of that was last night, when DD cried and cried thinking that her step dad was dying. There are residual effects on the rest of us.
I called again later while I was at my son's football practice, around 7pm. He was slurring terribly. I began to slowly speak to him and tell him..."check your sugar"..."get your machine"..."where's your machine". He seven times he kept saying "my pump is broke"...."it's come apart". I told him we would take care of it later. I said "check your sugar"..."please get your machine". He said he would have to lay the phone down to check the sugar, an action that should only take two minutes at the most. Well I sat there waiting. So I started to yell into the phone "[DH] pick up the phone"....I hear stirring....""[DH] pick up the phone"....Over and over again I say his name. Finally I drunken sound of "Hello" comes back at me. For forty-five minutes this goes on. Finally I hear him open his box, get out one of the two sodas I put in there and he finally drinks it. His sugar was 43.
How on Earth can this happen so quickly. I don't' under the bolis things but how can it be so low and then less then three hours later be so terribly low. Oh, the pump did not break, he couldn't get it suspended so he simply disconnected but with his mind the way it was, to him it appeared broke.
The bad thing is-that bothers me, he was disappointed in me for not being more calm. "Why did you yell?" I told him because you sit the phone on the seat and you couldn't hear me. I needed you to pick it up so you wouldn't go unconscious. I feel if I keep him talking and moving he will stay coherent.
My kids don't understand this. We are a blended family and they don't know this side of diabetes. Their grandfather, my ex's father is a Type 1 diabetic. But he keeps his sugar on the high side and just "pumps up". Which isn't healthy either. I have never seen him low, as DH is low. But I do feel awkward, confiding in my ex's mother in order to get information...so I am here - searching for kindred spirits to help me grow in my knowledge of this disease. And, it isn't my JUST DH's disease it is our families disease. The proof of that was last night, when DD cried and cried thinking that her step dad was dying. There are residual effects on the rest of us.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Life is spent standing still.
I don't know how to help DH to have more energy. He has no interest in anything but sleeping any more. And it holds all kinds of possibilities in what the root of that may be. It could be the diabetes, eating away at his body causing a rapid deterioration and aging. Allowing him to feel older then what he really is.
It could be his anti-depressant medications inter-mingled with the other meds. Making him feel run down, tired and simply blah. Or the depression itself. Being laid off this past week sure doesn't help that situation either. His feeling of effectiveness or purpose lies in question and that could cause overwhelming feelings of depression and stress.
It could be his work, even though he is laid off, he does have jobs that he goes to during the day. But, he won't see reliable income from them until the job is finished. Now our budget changes to a irregular income rather then a reliable one - every two weeks.
I don't know how to help him. I work as much as I can (40hr a wk) then home with the kids and take care of the house. I get the base salary and then commission. But if no one is calling in then I have to get pro-active and do call outs. It's on me now. The household counts on me know to bring in the larger reliable source of income. I must do all I can to bring in more money to make sure the bills are caught up. Cancel on the non-essential things that are sucking up our income. Bare bones budget.
DH and I have changed so much since getting married almost two years ago. We aren't the same people any more. I don't know what happened but I don't like it. I miss how much fun it use to be. But I know it can't be all fun all the time. I just want to enjoy his company even when it is just us. Relaxing.
It could be his anti-depressant medications inter-mingled with the other meds. Making him feel run down, tired and simply blah. Or the depression itself. Being laid off this past week sure doesn't help that situation either. His feeling of effectiveness or purpose lies in question and that could cause overwhelming feelings of depression and stress.
It could be his work, even though he is laid off, he does have jobs that he goes to during the day. But, he won't see reliable income from them until the job is finished. Now our budget changes to a irregular income rather then a reliable one - every two weeks.
I don't know how to help him. I work as much as I can (40hr a wk) then home with the kids and take care of the house. I get the base salary and then commission. But if no one is calling in then I have to get pro-active and do call outs. It's on me now. The household counts on me know to bring in the larger reliable source of income. I must do all I can to bring in more money to make sure the bills are caught up. Cancel on the non-essential things that are sucking up our income. Bare bones budget.
DH and I have changed so much since getting married almost two years ago. We aren't the same people any more. I don't know what happened but I don't like it. I miss how much fun it use to be. But I know it can't be all fun all the time. I just want to enjoy his company even when it is just us. Relaxing.
Friday, September 5, 2008
And so it begins....
Ok, DH had an episode on Sunday. He ate breakfast, gave himself insulin, then at church he dosed again because he was 249. Well, we came home for lunch and he had to leave after dropping us off for a service call. I wasn't 100% sure where in Woodmont area in Nashville he was. What should have taken a few minutes stretched out. I got worried two hours later, and called.
Six calls, one text from his son later, I leave heading to Woodmont, hoping to find him before it's too late. On the way there, the Medical Center from Manchester - 1 hr south of home, calls and has DH there.
He had passed the exit and was found by a state trooper.
I am tired. I am feeling like a nurse maid, not a spouse. I am empty. Life is - he's doing his thing...I do mine. I am having a hard time in doing that.
Friday of last week we were all excited about going to a football game. Until we have a behavior problem with Caleb, and it was decided that we weren't going. Ron slept.
I got a cat from a friend at work on Saturday - free to good home.
Sunday - that happened. BTW, his sugar was 12! For the past week when I get a call from a local area code either at work or on my cell, my shoulders stiffen, my stomach churns...I feel like crap.
He's just a zombie. Sleep, eat, work. I see his eyelid, quick kiss in the morning before he leaves and that's it.
If he really cares, wouldn't he "get it" - I guess.
DH called me....I told him Mom and Dad are in FL. I was thinking about going up to their house to stay for the wkend. DH said why, I said "to think". DH didn't even fight for me to not go. Or ask why go...why not work it out.
I said - yelled "Why aren't you fighting for me?!" "You fought for your ex"...which he did...I guess I am just feeling not worth it? Did the ex mean more to you?" Then his other phone rang. He had to go and answer it.
I feel alone all over again.
Six calls, one text from his son later, I leave heading to Woodmont, hoping to find him before it's too late. On the way there, the Medical Center from Manchester - 1 hr south of home, calls and has DH there.
He had passed the exit and was found by a state trooper.
I am tired. I am feeling like a nurse maid, not a spouse. I am empty. Life is - he's doing his thing...I do mine. I am having a hard time in doing that.
Friday of last week we were all excited about going to a football game. Until we have a behavior problem with Caleb, and it was decided that we weren't going. Ron slept.
I got a cat from a friend at work on Saturday - free to good home.
Sunday - that happened. BTW, his sugar was 12! For the past week when I get a call from a local area code either at work or on my cell, my shoulders stiffen, my stomach churns...I feel like crap.
He's just a zombie. Sleep, eat, work. I see his eyelid, quick kiss in the morning before he leaves and that's it.
If he really cares, wouldn't he "get it" - I guess.
DH called me....I told him Mom and Dad are in FL. I was thinking about going up to their house to stay for the wkend. DH said why, I said "to think". DH didn't even fight for me to not go. Or ask why go...why not work it out.
I said - yelled "Why aren't you fighting for me?!" "You fought for your ex"...which he did...I guess I am just feeling not worth it? Did the ex mean more to you?" Then his other phone rang. He had to go and answer it.
I feel alone all over again.
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